“Nothing’s Ever Over” by TeamMate is absolutely perfect for this final send off.
I’ve always been one to love deeply- I pry my soul open and beg everyone to do the same. Tell me your secrets, teach me the workings of your inner machinations and aspirations, submerge me in your world views. I crave the intimacy and connectivity that can only come from allowing one another to brush the curtain aside and see what’s beyond.
Edinburgh was no different.
I fell swiftly without any warning.
I fell in love with these kids that the computer randomly assigned to Flat 1. Such depth, wit, and compassion is welled up inside of them, daring to spill over. I was blessed to have been someone with which they chose to share their joy, their passion, and their humanity.
I miss waking up to their faces every morning.
I miss the innocence of our first night out together. When we were only testing the waters, unaware of what lie ahead.
I miss our cooking endeavors in that poorly heated kitchen where we cried through Álvaro’s onion chopping, smiled through Ajay’s strict instructions, gaped at Calder’s eating capacity, and laughed at Cora’s inability to do just about anything.
I miss complaining about the terrible windows, the ever-present scaffolding, and the undependable heaters.
I miss going for kebabs at the most indecent of hours.
I miss dancing without restraint at the night clubs that beckoned us even on school nights.
I miss owning the dance floor at Why Not with Bisi and trying out my English accent on her. (“Definitely not bad!”)
I miss Ajay’s obsession with the bachata and the way he dominated the floor with his swaying hips.
I miss having absolute mad one’s that pushed Calder’s bedtime to its limits and left us with nights that are permanently imprinted on our memories.
I miss Álvaro leading us to our demise in “Abuela.” (Though I think I caught the hang of it by the end of the year!)
I miss pestering my friends into hanging out with me.
I miss the short but seemingly endless walks through the Meadows to the pubs.
I miss random girls complimenting me in the bathrooms on my nose ring or my outfit or my face. And I even miss the girl that invited me into her stall to continue our talk on American politics.
I DON’T miss being asked if I’m a Trump supporter by literally every person I meet. I also don’t miss the 30 minutes of follow-up conversation on why he’s doing so well.
I miss spending too much time at Simon’s flat surrounded by entirely French-speaking people.
I miss Simon’s touchiness whenever I used my own flawless French accent in casual conversation. And the way he never quite took to my friendly-jabs. (Love you, Simoooon <3)
I miss introducing the city’s cobblestones to the soles of our shoes.
I miss our impromptu visits to the canal.
I miss the way we learned to embrace the ever-present late night mist that accompanied us on our journeys.
I miss muddling through teaching Cora the basics of cooking.
I miss heading up to Kristen’s flat for a gourmet dinner whenever she pitied us enough to extend an invitation.
I miss Kristen’s fearless leadership in the Pentlands (and honestly throughout all of Edinburgh).
I miss venturing out into the wind and rain to immerse ourselves in the Scottish culture that we hold so dear.
I miss Calder’s chivalry. (I will never forget the fateful Pub Crawl evening.)
I miss listening to Álvaro go on about Cowspiracy. (We still need to watch, by the way!!)
I miss Cora complaining about literally everything. (Because that means she’s around.)
I miss Ajay making fun of me, Iowa, and “the corns.” (You always loved my teasing the most 😉 )
I miss Cora’s permanent presence at the end of my bed.
I miss Ajay’s expressiveness.
I miss annoying the heck out of Álvaro.
I miss cherishing every moment of Calder leaving his room and spending time with me. (I have approximately zero pics with just you, Calder. What???)
I miss sitting in the hall for hours, chatting until we decided we should probably go to bed.
I miss forcing old friends to meet new friends.
I miss the comforting hugs from the boys as I cried until 4am over it being our last night together. I especially miss Ajay’s thoughtful words after my tears had dried, “Tirra…. will you vacuum my room for me when I leave?”
I miss having the blessing of living with all of these extraordinary people in an equally extraordinary city.
Stepping out of the plane onto Scottish soil on January 6th, I recall thinking to myself, “What have I done?”
Falling in love was never on my agenda. Upon waking up each morning, I was constantly reminded that it’s never a choice. Edinburgh stole my heart, sharing a space with all of those that came into my life and allowed me to truly know and love them.
A poem by my favorite Scottish poet, Lewis Rabjohns, clearly expresses my struggle to come to grips with leaving behind so many that cherish:
I feel alone
but not lonely,
I feel alone,
like I’m free,
like my life is teetering on an open window sill,
and my life might change,
in smaller ways soon,
bigger ways soon
(but not so soon)
I don’t know what I’m trying to say
but I have a clarity in my feelings,
I still feel sad, but in the way I used to feel sad
when the world felt beautiful and also sad
rather than just me feeling sad.
Thank you to those that came into my life and made it so very beautiful. Always remember, we don’t have to fall out of love because nothing’s ever over.
Sending all of my love,
Tirra B ❤